Creator and creation

kyle-cottrell-649670-unsplashDepression makes my episodic times of discouragement more intense. It takes me longer to overcome them than a “normal” person. What just discouraged me? I’m glad you asked.

I just tried to login into some software I was using for my business on a different computer, and I was not successful. I’ve been trying since the beginning of last weekend to login on my own computer, and I’ve been on the phone with the companies’ support line three times to resolve the issue, and it is not resolved.

I am in the process of canceling the contract, but after reading the contract it looks like I’m going to be out $200.

I’m discouraged beyond words, and this is all I know to do. I am praying, quoting scripture, and I’m pondering just going into the living room to read The Message.

I’ve always overanalyzed things. I take things like this and write an entire blog post about it.

This Thanksgiving I am beyond thankful for blog technology. I’ve been journaling since 2000, and I’ve really been journaling my whole life. It is so therapeutic, and I think it’s even more therapeutic than professional counseling.

I don’t know why life has to be so hard, but it is. That’s the only way I know to put it. I know my Father’s presence is real, and if it wasn’t I don’t know what I’d do. His word is indeed a lamp unto my feet and a light unto path, but when things like this happen I grow so discouraged and it inflames the chemical imbalance in my body that is my depression.

I hate to complain, and I suppose that’s the reason I abhor it when anyone else does it because I do it on a constant basis. I’m sorry Carey and Chloe when I’m not a good listening ear for your complaints. I love you both more than life itself, and your love for me is saving me. We are going to have more peace, abundance and freedom because this suffering we’ve been going through is making us stronger to achieve great things. I love you both so much.

I’m not at rock bottom. I was at rock bottom back in October, 2006. I know how rock bottom feels. It is a hopeless time that makes you want to cease to exist.

I have hope now. My work is important. My customers are validating it. The Holy Spirit is validating my ministry as I clean homes because I do so much more than clean houses. I am fulfilling my primary calling through my secondary calling, and I’m proud of what I do even though some people see it as cleaning toilets. That’s their problem. Not mine. I do not stand to fall before anyone but my Father in Heaven, and when I hear, “Well done good and faithful servant,” that’s all that will matter.

I don’t waste time, throw my talents away or deny my LORD. I love Him, my wife and my daughter more now than I ever have, and I refuse to give into the discouragement that a certain someone and others try to use to get me to give up.

I now have enemies. No, I don’t have the kind of enemies that are trying to murder me, but I do have people who are actively hating on what I’m trying to do. Once again, if God is for me who can be against me? I’m an enemy to myself. I know when I am actively in the throws of self-sabotage. That “certain someone” knows how to leverage those times for maximum damage right here in the buckle of the Bible Belt.  He knows how to do that from Seattle to Miami. He can’t be in both places at the same time, but I guarantee you he has angels and demons on the ground in both cities. Our struggle is not against flesh and blood. Why do you think Paul wrote to the Thessalonians to pray continually?

So much goes on that we don’t see. Just because words or non-verbal communication aren’t heard or seen doesn’t mean victory and defeat aren’t happening. Wrap your mind around that. I can’t. I trust it’s true from what I’ve read and experienced. I see it, but I don’t see it at the same time.

But I don’t put my faith in what I can see. I put it in the unseen. My victory over the darkness does not happen because every purchase I make is the cure-all. My victory over the darkness happens when I submit to the One who has conquered it.

Carey and I watched The Nineties on Netflix last night. We wished we hadn’t. It was morally bankrupt about the television that came out in the 1990’s. It’s no wonder we have what we have today. Oh, we aren’t ancient Rome, but comparing ourselves to a “more” sinful culture doesn’t remove our sin. “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.”

No wonder we are discouraged and mental illness has been on the rise since the 1960’s. There’s nothing new here. Men and women have been turning their backs on the Maker since the beginning of time, and here we are again.

When will we learn that the creation will never satisfy apart from the Creator?

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