Today was a rough day for me. Yes, I went to church. I generally always go to church. I’m the go-to “barista” who makes drip coffee for about 200 people. I kind of have to go to church, but I enjoy that job.
I left church to go finish a job I didn’t “finish” on Friday, but I got a text on the way out there that some beams were being installed, so my services would be needed on Monday. I got a text later informing me that the owners would be moving in on Monday, and that she would be cleaning herself. I was trying to redeem myself.
I was already anxious about going out there today because I did not “connect” with above mentioned female. When I found out my low skill labor service was not needed anymore my mind took an even deeper plunge into negativity. Depression sucks. I cannot look at “mundane” things the way a normal person looks at them. I dissect them till there’s nothing left to dissect. Proverbs 3.5-6 are two wonderful proverbs, but they’ve never really taken root in my heart and mind. The harder I try it seems the deeper I fail.
I’m just being honest because this journey beyond sad is a hard road to hoe. I’m not looking for answers, and I really don’t care if any comments are made after this post is published. I suspect it’ll get some likes as all the posts do on here, but unless you have a light bulb moment don’t bother replying.
I’m a cleaner. There I said it. Try as we must, but what we do does define who we are. Caralyn is an actor. Sadie is a celebrity. Amy is a business owner. Jason is a poet. I guess I’m a cleaner/writer. I make money cleaning, but I have yet to make my first dollar as a writer. I still have hope that will happen, but I’ve got to somehow climb out of the hole I’ve spent my whole life digging.
I love each and every one of you, and for those of you who are brave like me in being candid for the whole world to look at a small fraction of our mental illness I applaud you. I pat myself on the back because this is very therapeutic. It might be painful to read some of these post as I just did, but I think the more we share of our struggle the closer we become to being “normal.” There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be normal. I don’t mind celebrity, cool kids or rich kids, but when I start labeling people that’s when I come full circle to labeling myself again as depressed cleaner.
My Christian faith challenges me to label all of us as children of God even if you claim to be an atheist or agnostic. I know some of you take pride in your sexual orientation, but sex is such a small part of what a person is, and I wish all of us could unite under the fact that we are all created in the image of God wanting to be recognized and respected. Mental illness, sex, race, theology or alma mater does not matter to God. They matter to Him, but not the way they matter to each one of us.
Identity is important, and what I’m writing is that I’m tired of being controlled by depression. I’m tired of being ignored when I scrub toilets and showers. I’m tired of being seen as less than because I clean houses rather than do surgery at a local hospital. Who we are is indeed not what we do or don’t do. Our worth is intrinsic to the fact that we have a part of ourselves that will live into eternity in the presence of a Father Who would have sent His only Son to die had I been the only human being on the planet.
Life is hard, and I know my sin, but I don’t need others nonverbals and verbals to remind me of it. I’m doing the best I know to do, and because of the brokenness we all face sometimes that’s an epic fail.
Satan is alive and well. He seeks to isolate each one of us in our own brokenness to destroy us. Like the mighty lion on an African plane who isolates a single gazelle for the kill Satan will do the same with us on our “African plains.”
Toby Mac’s new album, The Elements is an amazing collection of DC Talk’s former front man. That man is the real deal. You don’t create an album like that from the clutches of Satan, but neither do you create it from a utopia of Christian concerts. He’s clearly done battle with the evil I face, and I cannot thank him and his tribe for creating such a beautiful album. When you get it put in the nearest CD player, and turn it up full blast unless your wife or daughter are near. It will wash over you the way the waters of baptism washed over you.
I fight depression. That much is true, but I refuse to give up because my LORD is not in the grave.