why do i always fight?

trust

one thing i feel like i should know by now, that i constantly have to learn, is to trust in God the Provider.  i spent the first 3 1/2 hours at the bookstore today without one customer and my mind went to all the places it shouldn’t:  what am i going to do if no one ever buys a book again?, what if i can’t eat?, what if i can’t pay the rent?, what if…what if…what if?  the thing is i had one of the best days in a while.  it just came on His schedule and not mine.  i didn’t feel well today and i struggled all day with wanting to lock the door, come home and crawl into bed but i knew i had to stay and i was angry about it.

i know my trust issues come honestly.  i grew up in a house rife with neglect and abuse and i spent a lot of time worrying about what was coming next:  would there be food to eat, would there be anyone there if i got hurt or sick, would i be okay if i was alone or if i wasn’t.  God always provided for me then and He always does now but i still worry and i still doubt.

living with anxiety keeps my mind racing even when i tell myself to calm down and repeatedly list all the times God has kept me out of the poorhouse.  i’m gonna make the list one more time (at least) and then try to lie down and pray about someone other than myself.

4 comments

  1. We live in paradox. Worrying and doubting partner with the thought that God provides. It’s amazing to me how God enabled us to hold two opposing views. I was at Room In End this morning, yet I used expletives. Does one negative and one positive make a negative, or does it underscore my need for grace? Hm.

    You are not alone. You have a Father who can do the impossible, and you have me.

    Like

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