A Daniel Lament

Photo by Luke Lung on Unsplash

I’ve been reading the Bible several mornings in a row including this morning. My depression flared up today, and it’s still raging. I’ve written this a plethora of times. Reading the Bible, prayer and going to church do not make depression easier or less severe. When ministering to those of us with mental illness practice the ministry of presence. You don’t have to say anything. You don’t have to hang out. What we have to do for healing and redemption is not dependent on what you say and do. Don’t not come around or stare weirdly at us without saying anything. The Spirit will give you guidance in what to say and do. Ask Her to lead you. She will.

Pray for us constantly when you are awake. If you know how to pray when you sleep I want to learn! 🙂 We have a merciful and loving Father who knows our suffering. He knows when we’ve had enough, when we don’t get what we want and when we are at rock bottom. I’m looking at picture of my family on my desk right. I love them deeply, and I have let them down deeply. I have a sickness that isn’t fair to them, nor is it fair to anyone who has to deal with me on a daily basis. I strive to be aware of where I am mentally, and I strive to limit to collateral my illness creates. It’s burned so many bridges I’ve lost count, but my Father does not give up on me. Never! He placed before me an open door that no one can shut. As I lament the pain I feel every week He is giving me language to assuage the pain, and in some cases bring “healing.”

I know life isn’t fair. I know that failure, heartache and pain teach us more than any amount of success, but I refuse to give up on having success in this life. I know there will come a day when I will pass from this life, but today is not that day, and I plan on living to see 100.

I just told a friend I’ve been crying all day, and I don’t know why these days come around, but I wish they’d stop. They haven’t stopped since 2000. They’ve taken a hiatus, but they haven’t stopped. And what’s sad is that sometimes I’ll get in my car, and when someone in traffic “wrongs” me I wrong them. These tears you’d think would make me gentler and kinder, but they make me meaner than a button man in a mafia family. I’m not filtering this post except for people I will not identify. As if I had to write that. I know life is hard. No one has to tell me that. I’m living that. Life isn’t fair because there’s this evil being named Satan who loves to remind people the world is broken. When are you going to fix it God? How evil and corrupt do we have to get till you say no more? I know you see our tears. You feel the pain we feel, and you long for us to put our undying trust in you, but sometimes the pain is too much, or so I think.

We want the lion to lie down with the lamb. We want to be able to leave our houses without being afraid. We want to stop mourning with those who mourn, and we want to learn how to rejoice when others rejoice. Please take our fear and anger away, and give us the power to forgive those who have hurt us.

There’s never been a time when we haven’t needed our Creator. We think when our health is good and our checking accounts are overflowing that we don’t need God, but nothing could be further from the truth. Rock bottom, mountain top and in-between times never negate the need for God.

We love our Father, but we are broken. How many times have we heard that we are broken? Too many to number. There are entire churches who would not exist if it were not for the broken. All of us are broken because of sin. I get that. We long for wholeness, but as the abnormal becomes normal we lose sight of what is and is not sin. Millenials decry the red-faced pastors who scream condemnation, and Gen X and Baby Boomers wonder where their churches have gone. God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are still relevant in each generation. Every person on planet Earth needs Jesus Christ, and He patiently waits for the Father’s timing to reveal Himself again. The Father knows there are still those who will soften their hearts to His message, and He does not delay in writing names in the Lamb’s Book of Life.

As we dream about what the New Earth or Heaven is going to be like let’s not forget that as we go about our grinds here there are people who will perish if they don’t come to know Jesus. I believe that with all my heart, and I’ve declared that from a very young age. I will declare it till my last day with or without depression. I pray it’s without because I know my God can remove this depression.

I love you dear readers, and even though we may never meet this side of eternity I know we most certainly will break bread on the other side.

For those of you who are afflicted with a mental illness like me I pray for you consistently. This is not an easy battle we are in, and we may never be rid of it, but that doesn’t stop me from praying He take it away.

Until then grace and peace dear ones.

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