Getting rejected is painful. It’s a vicious circle that doesn’t end too. It feeds off itself. Even the strong are rejected because the age of the alpha male is over. The mean girls are good at covering it up, but when the alpha male screams unfair with his pulsating red face it’s even uglier.
I release anger, hostility and tension through the words in this blog because since 2001 I’ve been an very angry man. I don’t see that letting up. Obviously I’ve taken steps in recent years to contain it, but so far it continues to be a thorn in my flesh. If you ask my brother Joel about it he’ll tell you I’ve struggled with my entire life, but that still doesn’t make it right.
I was listening to WAYFM today, and one of the songs had these lyrics.
The cross makes you flawless.
I started meditating on that. I carried into the place I was going, and I think it summoned some angels to protect me from an old fart who was hell bent on confronting me regarding my legs extended out in front of me as I sat watching a sporting competition. Old fart is kinder than what I really want to type here, so we’ll leave it at that. As a preacher’s kid I can get really creative with my expletives, but I’m really trying not to because the Bible says we should not let any unwholesome speech come out of our mouths. Expletives don’t bless anyone, and if that’s all you can say or write then you don’t have much to say to those of us who are striving to move aways from hate and anger.
It’s a trust factor. I don’t trust myself, so how can I trust anyone else? There are people in my circle of influence I don’t trust, and I carry that mistrust everywhere I go. That’s just the facts of the matter. No need denying the bane of my existence because it’s still there when I do.
The sin, separation, mistrust, anger, shame and guilt are sometimes to much to bear. At least I have a place to come and bare it for a few who do care. Some of this is just life in the fast/slow lane, but some of it is because of the mental illness I fight. I’m looking forward to BAM323 in September because I want to learn how to connect my business to the very struggle many of us have with depression. It’s been slow going, but I really think this conference is going to reveal some powerful things I can use in my daily grind to heal myself of depression. And in so doing others will find healing as they watch what happens. Human beings are such a disappointment. I am a human being. I am a disappointment, but so are you. 99% of the problems I have are because of human beings, and 1% happens when my faith fails. I’m sure those percentages could easily be switched, but that’s what rolled off the ole mind, so I’m stickin with it.
God is my LORD, and Jesus continues to be my Savior, but sometimes the Holy Spirit seems to be on holiday when I need her the most. I quote Scripture, mantras and quotes over and over hoping she’ll stop by, but when the rubber meets the road sometimes all I can do is retreat to the white screen and lament the pain.
I don’t know if there’s anyone who reads this blog who isn’t tortured by mental illness, but if there is know that the struggle is real. We didn’t ask for it. We don’t seek out assholes to make it worse, and we sure as hell don’t want as part of our lives. Damn it! I used expletives. I’m sorry. I’m sorry mom.
Jesus love is not regulated to a perfect list of do’s and don’t. His love is rooted in the death, burial and resurrection of himself 2000 years ago. His resurrection and return to this Father’s presence in the heavens was a permanent loan of goodness called the Holy Spirit. It convicts us every time we sin. It shows us when we need to lean into the presence of the Father even more. He never forces Himself on me, and wouldn’t want Him to because I know I’d rebel.
I instead bow in prayer to him. I extend my arms high above me in praise and adoration with a worship band, and tears flood my eyes because I know His eternal perspective is what will change me, not my human desire. I make myself available to that supernatural presence, and I’ve seen it change lives a thousand times.
He keeps doing it for me again and again.
He can do the same for you.